She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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