I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
