It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
