News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize