I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
and i looked up. we had an audience...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
