sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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