Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
