There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
