Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize