i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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