The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
