I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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