I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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