Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
