Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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