if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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