I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
