Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
