My liver just broke up with me...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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