You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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