i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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