youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
