Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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