I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
