I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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