my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
