I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
