yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
