if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
