Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
