Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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