Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
