I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Are my feet made of real feet?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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