I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
