Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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