The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
