just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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