I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
