The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
