hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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