If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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