He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
