I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
