my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
