i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
