If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
