I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
