If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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