you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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