im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
