Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
