so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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