another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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