I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
