I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
