I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
