i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
