People in love make me want to vomit
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize