Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't turn off my feet"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
