how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your cock deserves a montage
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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