I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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