You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
