I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
