just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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