Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
